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Time:07:59 pm
I just had my first experience in lucid dreaming. It wasn't induced; it started out as a regular, "subconscious desires" dream.
It was quite enlightening, because the dreams were real-world (i.e. not fantastical, physically possible) events:
  news of something I did resonating with people I've never met
  a debauched and aimless afternoon led to irreversible physical injury (limbs broken beyond repair)
  revealing conversation with this guy who I'm starting to develop an easy friendship with
But awake, I had never been sure if these events were things I wanted to happen.

I told the guy in my dream (at will, lucidly) that I knew he was in my dream and I was basically talking to myself. The dream didn't break.
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Time:10:04 pm
and now one for the History books.
But still you aren't here.
Then play on the strings like human hair bows
  the lack of sound, our greatest fear

Itself. Repeating.
Watching the colors of truth.
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Time:12:30 pm

Dear peeps:

I am a recent graduate and I love music. It’s not a one-way street to oblivion but you can stay there if you want. Afraid I went to bed; I wet the bed. Afraid I looked around not knowing why I was singing, or what. But it was thorns, winding, overlapped and stretched for miles it was thorns I found under the wooden lids -- so why do I hurry so?

I hurry because the curry made a wonderful contradiction upon baking it just right I ceased to think. And God, if that wasn't the most terrifying thing. I hurry because I'm twenty-two and so struck out.

High time to fly.

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Time:04:59 pm
Prog magazine is holding their first Progressive Music Awards this year. The categories are quite interesting, and I agree wholeheartedly -- none of the categories are similar, and it's just enough. They cover all the considerations nicely, without having too much detail that it's overwhelming. Just my two cents:

I would bet on John Petrucci for the Virtuoso category. It's very difficult for me to imagine what it takes to play guitar well, and yet I have been driven to understand it better because of him. Also, I'm not very familiar with the Flower Kings, but I really enjoyed all of Stolt's work in Transatlantic. Mike Portnoy's out of the question in this category, honestly, and I would have preferred to see Jordan Rudess and Geddy Lee as nominees instead.

It would seem too cheesy to give the Visionary award to Radiohead, IMO. Although one could argue the same about Muse.

Guiding Light would go to Steve Hackett, if Mike Portnoy was not in the list of nominees. Hands down, most important drummer in the world. This award is Mike Portnoy. I just feel like too many people have asked the question "who the heck's Matthew Bellamy?" so it doesn't really fit. It's sad, really, because a lot of fans don't know that Muse is very progressive in sound.

Grand Design $#%#(&WEF@!
--


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Time:05:47 pm
It was some time ago that Jerry
    (being a shallow and mangy little boy)
Came to share a cigarette atop the city lights at night
In a high-rise tower amidst the busy and the business
There he traversed, agile and inquisitive
    but always willing to stop
    for a couple of bits of wisdom
    and perhaps, a snack before bedtime
But like days in the university
Which bled into each other as an endless season
Winter came...

Today I passed him in the corridor    
    (being a turnpike of sorts, leading everywhere and nowhere at once)
And he turned to look, hardly with acknowledgment
Nowadays, it's all and all he can manage
    staring all day -- making not a sound
    waiting for something or other to happen
    or perhaps, a snack before bedtime
No children to care for, and none but I knew
    (he could not have had any -- he was impotent)
And then, like a tidal wave
With few and ineffectual warning signs
Plague came...

As if that wasn't bad enough -- the sickness, dementia
    (being quite alarming as he was not very expressive in his lifetime)
Incontinence marked the latter of his days
Squeezing out any trace of dignity
    which, as it was, could change color depending on the light
    ending up smeared on newspapers, walls, floors
    perhaps, a snack before bedtime
Sour and rank, furry and wild, goblin visage, short of breath
To rest finally among the scattered stars
    no companion nor children to watch from the heavens
But as long as this world turns and unfolds
As long as shared cigarettes burn in the night
Death arrives
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Subject:"I Need You" was not Written for Pattie Boyd
Time:04:24 pm
"You look like a rabbit," they said.

And then they said, "stay in front of the camera."


But for all of the time that it took to get here, you would have expected them to just grow up. Fortunately, it remained a "you would have." In time things have to stop, and in time the conspiracy theories swirling in your mind out of reach will take shape only to give way to a nothingness, a vapor. It has to stop.

"It has to stop."

So I can curse silently at idiots who stop at the end of the escalators -- or choose life and heart over it. Eating greasy burgers and cheap fried chicken, these mistakes suddenly forgotten, the studio lights burn steady and sure -- and I am back under these tides where I see distorted unlit things. I don't know how to swim.


But what about you? Only if it tickled your fancy (but there isn't any reason why it shouldn't). Come into the water, you won't look like a rabbit anymore (not "through the eyes of a muse" anyway). Maybe, it doesn't matter if you didn't (but it's better if you do). Maybe it would be better if you did (but it's happy either way).
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Time:11:12 pm
In Joyen's words, the annual hour of noise has begun. First time I made it before the New Year to post something of this sort, actually.

The theme for 2011 was getting to a point of financial independence. Let's just say it was sobering and quite exciting at the same time, although I would've wanted to avoid going deep into debt (which has not all been cleared up as of yet). Still, I'm quite thankful for how the year turned out.


infographicCollapse )
--

I guess I'll add further review of this past year later. For now though, time to wine and dine. See you on the other side!
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Time:11:10 pm

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Subject:Pink
Time:09:49 pm
Current Mood:okaynot pink
"That's why I left." is staring back at me on my desktop. I'm sipping the last cup of coffee. And straight to the ears is something that sounds like Absolute Garbage. My little bed bug, why won't you bite and leave a mark, as you would have in the days of old? Where are you staying tonight? The rain is coming, and it is cold. Oh how my scalp burns and my hair sloughs off in clumps. "Hey you, out there, getting, can you feel me?" I could not finish.

Waters: out there in the cold sitting naked by the phone
Will you help me finally get stoned?


And will you tell me that I've disappointed you? Or is that something "you'll know anyway" what a retarded cop-out, grow some balls (you know you wanna). Diamond rings are common, I'd get you a plain band of polished steel. Can ya help me finally get stoned to my gruesome death? They won't want to know you any further than your tongue can reach, and that is what they have over me.

I felt sad for Mr Clearwater when I saw him standing solitary and looking so so abandoned. He made a good save, cos that's all he can manage these days. Like I said, the stories and the faces are different, but the people don't change. Actually, I didn't say that first. No, of course we can't be friends... the Absolute gave way to the Beautiful. A, B,... what comes next is up to Mr Clearwater. I feel lonely for him. Familiarity.



It's nearly the end of September, and but it feels like summer (if only for the figurative drought). I found myself in an impossible situation, and I'm still alive. But this time I'm the one sitting in a corner touching myself.

So indeed, now (as before) what is the price of your freedom?

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Current Location:Take Your Fingers from My Hair * Dream Theater (Zebra cover)
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Subject:Out-grossed
Time:06:44 pm
So what the hell was that? "I wish I wasn't right about everything" God sometimes I sicken myself. It's like the Emperor who had New Clothes. It's like that rich douchebag classmate from highschool who understood scarcity and yet failed to really grasp it (yes, they exist -- no matter that I would be the first to challenge any form of stereotyping). It's like I've been waiting for weeks just for the next pointless activity.

And you know what, that's exactly what's been happening -- the part where I realise this makes it start to look up, I think. Soon enough I'll get my purpose back (and shame on me for having to).
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Current Music:Kill the Messenger * Jacks Mannequin
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Subject:quotables: from Dregs
Time:04:52 am
Yeah, this is how it is when I'm smitten.
--

No worries.
I'd take it :D
I'm sorry I didn't have the balls to talk to you all this time.
Did you get any? I didn't
It would've been a date to me.
--

Magaling ako sa lahat.
I'm not SUNGIT :-*
Merry christmas lui!
I'm sorry I fell asleep.
I kinda missed you. It infuriated me.
Galaw na, may class..
Ang bilis mo mabore.
I like it. Hmmm whatcha say?
--

Come hither.
How hard?
... but soooo good.
My hormones took over.
I feel like I want to be with you tonight.
...on my desk, on my bed, on the floor.
Will it be fast and hard?
You have me all to yourself!
Are we sleeping pa ba? Or dapat matulog na 'ko before?
OMG!
Let's get into all kinds of trouble.
I want to sleep with you inside me.
--

Hinanap kita kanina.
That was sweet! Hug.
Come here 417!
Siguro kasi wala ng mag-aalaga sa'yo.
Truly the best thing ever!
Thank you for always making my life easier.
--

Huy! What's up with you?
I don't feel like having coffee now.
Do you ever sleep?
To be honest, you'll always be one of my greatest 'what-ifs'.
You still continue to know me.
Hope to catch you before I leave.
I'm sick.
--

It's lovely sleeping in the same bed.
Looks like you've been sad. How queer. Can't wait to talk to you.
If you were a fucking backseat I wouldn't be there asshole.
</promisingconversation>
Ikaw rin type ko.
Bitch. Good night.
Mas pangit yung pag-end mo ng phone call kanina </3
I. Fucking. Miss you.
And let's have you for lunch.
See you soon.
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Current Music:Nobody Loves You * Garbage
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Subject:Derision
Time:01:43 am
Call me your brother,
  be honest and grateful and show me off
  then tell me to wait
Because I've been superseded
  (you don't know what the word means)
  and you will never change
Then have the balls to call me brother to my face


Call me "idol"
  but not really, because
Who would want to


Call me your double
  though I see through your lies
  it's perfect for now
But you don't have my eyes



and to think you could make people see
in ways they can't comprehend
you've lost it
you drown yourself in yourself
and to think you know nothing
  (nothing at all)
bring your gear, it's comforting
to forget you haven't looked at it
  with your own eyes
not for a very long time

then have the balls to take responsibility
when not ten minutes ago you were knocking them back
then run
  and hide
behind
  the last
    person
  in the world
          who can protect you
from me
and to think you had everything
then have the balls to take responsibility



Call me your lover
  your fighter
  your dancer in the dark
Call me your friend
Call me your superior
But mostly, call me
  then call me by name(s)
And call me your own


I didn't have to cross the street to find Delirium; I found her in the back seat / It's never difficult, when it's you / Wore my best shorts / Congruence theories and consistency checks / I don't want you anymore / Simplicity is key - simplicity is me

Call me when the dawn breaks I will find you a place. I am unafraid of a great many things but I'm afraid it doesn't matter. So turn on the radio (please?) and run away.
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Subject:AciDrain
Time:06:44 am
In linear fashion, news clippings and one-liners and thought vomit trickle down the pages.
There is no system for it, yet this great deluge of information must come in order, because the mind is a terribly inconsistent thing.

I am the father.
AWESOME PICTURES LOLX WHATTA NIGHT
I miss you love.
rar
Check this out, totally harmless fun
What type of zombie am I?
Happy birthday!
"That smile's gonna be the end of me." (Vanilla Sky)
LMFAO you gotta watch this!



I saw the chaos, invited a sliver of crazy into the folded and arranged creases that make up the edges of my mind my consciousness. A taste is all it took, for me to dive (dive as in O), let the flood of the mundane happening around me totally open these unimpressed eyes.

To the realization that there is no human force more desirable than self-limiting. Because we can never do anything in moderation. It is always excess. Spending three consecutive nights a week reading an unnecessary amount of trivia, and then only remembering the most twisted and dark bits during the next interaction with a living human being. We want information delivered to us while we're in our hot tubs. We can't turn off. Creative work done in solitude is dying out. There is little output anymore that has been made in the loneliest most abandoned moments of our lives.



People who takes the bus to...
Downloading, 97% complete
I'm uploading the Wednesday video now, but my internet is slow
  Ok can't wait to see it LOL
I'm here in BKK! (It's hip to use that nowadays)
Jerking out



Our eloquence is lost. Installations are ignored, collecting dust and activating my hay fever. I am dizzy in an office which has not shut off the air conditioning since the year-end close last December. The sun rises, and it would have been time for something new. The headache robs me of my own eloquence; I know this well and nobody need tell me. In linear fashion, in an order that trickles systematically through the folds and creases on the edges of my mind, I am beginning to lose my words. So why do I keep returning to Top News?
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Subject:Scar City
Time:10:37 pm
There is a map on my back which you drew by hand the night I made love to you as if I knew exactly how.
Where once wings might have sprung
   these wounds run deeper -- to the bone,
   maybe -- and I cannot look
   upon them with my own eyes I cannot look upon
The places we have been, those we cannot
   return from ever again those places that became
   the "where to?s" from the time we needed to spend
With each other growing up and seeing the world
   increasingly become smaller and lose its mystery
   but that was all fine it turned out okay
   once we started to learn
   how to create
   our own worlds and fill them with the magic of questions



?



And it seemed to me not a bad thing
   to turn my back on you
   so as to let you look upon the map that you drew
It seemed to me not a bad thing
   to never be able to see what you saw
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Current Music:Stranger in Your Soul * Transatlantic
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Subject:Rollin with the Times
Time:11:52 pm
I never thought I'd ever show up to work drunk -- not that there's some sort of ill-rationalised principle driving that (as in "oh no, work is work hindi na puwede yung ganyan") nothing like that because obviously that's a non-issue to me. It was just so very... teenage. To be fair, I didn't go to work straight from the drinking (which I have done for school many many times), I slept okay (reaaalllyy okay) and showered thoroughly in the morning. It was just a pretty bad "hangover" but more accurately it was "still drunk" I mean my breath and my sweat reeked of alcohol and people on the train were looking at me weirdly and I couldn't walk straight it was bad and but it was hilarious.

I feel like a teenager again - so uncaring and invincible. So vigorous. I feel young again, and I believe that isn't a bad thing at all. Probably been influenced by Anais also, who told me that she's currently going through a second 18-year-old phase. I mean I've already spoken about the work-life balance thing a couple entries down, and yes all this energy I seem to have miraculously tapped into has been useful not only in the social sense but in every other activity I've been pursuing.

Been telling my friends that I like the fact that my work is work - there's a shift, a daily time commitment. But when that's done, that's done for the day. I'm glad it doesn't take any more time nor mental attention than was agreed upon in contract (at least, not yet, anyway). I hope my friends who are gonna be starting corporate life get to find something as pleasant as that, if only in that.
--

This Friday I'm going into the studio to lay down the drum tracks. Extremely exciting stuff, I don't think I've had any experience in the past that I can draw on to compare with how this prospect makes me feel. I've always thought of myself as a "not-a-real-drummer" guy and there are a lot of insecurities about my musical output that I haven't ever told anyone. Maybe after I record I'll get more answers and be clearer about myself in that aspect.

At worst, I'm still undecided on the long-term direction part of how my life's gonna turn out. At best, I'm doing what I want. Now is a great time for me, and surprisingly I don't care how it'll turn bad from here - I've started to become capable of relishing these small (not-so-small) things.
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Subject:Capture
Time:05:02 pm
There are some things that need to be said about going full circle, about having been to the edge of who he was, and coming back. For instance, the excuses have all been used up, and the things he used to recite mechanically sounded like business buzzwords - possessing that intriguing public-relations edge, but upon stripping them down devoid of all meaning. And God, nothing could prepare him for a life with no defenses, no misdirection, no performances. The glamor had run away hand-in-hand with the applause, and the curtains had fallen back down -- backstage it was a lonely place, but it wasn't a problem to him. He knew exactly what waiting meant.

See, he had lost his heart along the way. If you had lost your heart, how could you feel that loss? No, you wouldn't go looking for it either, and you wouldn't know it.


On a Tuesday afternoon she took a brush to the walls and the closets and it was colorful all around and she was doing her work the only way she knew how. Tough girl, but not nearly by enough (just yet). And so curious.

Over the years people had seen his soul and called it names and plastered it all over town and it had been great and it had been validation. It had been a production number. And it was good, because he learned to win these people over. See, a lot of those things weren't true, but then again what does the customer say? It had been validation but it was a different validation. Just like denial, it wasn't denial in the vein of ignorance it was denial in the vein of withholding things and things. It used to be, love was something that took years and years, the kind everybody else knows and so many have written the history of mankind with. Not this -- he could have seen her and loved her in the space of an hour and that didn't have to be so sad.

If he had not lost heart, he would have been glad for her curiosity and the lipstick stains on his jacket -- and for once not merely know what to do with that. He might have pointed at a moon that was imperfectly shaped. And he might have noticed the bounce in her step, the one that he put there. Him.


She's still painting walls. The lights go out in office buildings and the drawers are locked shut. She'll still call him names and live in the past. And always, looming, the someday she'd finally be exactly who she needs to be.
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Time:01:19 am
the sea, it kisses the shore
eternally being sent away
the sea, it kisses the shore eternally
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Subject:Who's Got Game
Time:03:34 pm
"Yet, at the same time, living for experiences also means wanting the novelty and adventure of dating different women. I can't imagine ever choosing one person for life. It's not that I'm scared of commitment; it's that I'm scared of arguing with someone I love over whose turn it is to do the dishes, of losing the desire to have sex with the woman lying next to me every night, of taking a back seat in her heart to our children, of resenting someone for limiting my freedom to be selfish." (Strauss, 2005)
--


And while I believe being scared of the things he said above is utter crap, I wouldn't want that either. I think the worst thing everybody else does is mistaking a life with someone as part and parcel of the feelings and desires and things that make romance such a beautiful experience. And that's why I won't marry for love. Now, regarding the part about choosing one woman to build a life with, I would choose one friend.

^ Yes, I do start a lot of sentences with the word "and", so sue me, Lynne Truss.
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Current Music:Asleep in the Chapel * Thursday
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Subject:Weekend-y-ness
Time:02:05 pm
Things have been looking up lately. I had expected about this much on being independent from my parents, and am right now still pretty excited over the whole all my decisions are completely mine to make thing. Been living for the nights, mostly, it's been nonstop activity since I started with this day job, which is a little ironic seeing as how most of my peers' social lives have just totally died when they started working themselves. I guess in that way Krystle was right in expecting me not to have the same kind of day-to-day that everybody else does - or maybe it's me conforming to that idea, too.

Last night at jam was the most "unwound" I've ever been around the band, and especially around Calde at the post-rehearsal tambay. Think I'm starting to not care so much about little things, and to add to that the music last night was relentless. To be honest I have not had many songwriting sessions where the pieces just click, and I have long considered this as a basic limitation of the band, it sadly just isn't how things are going. Last night, though. There was last night, and I can probably be satisfied about this for now - how much can be done with "now" then becomes the question. I was thinking about how much I've already invested (financially, time-wise, artistically) in this, but that was kinda petty considering it's always been sort of a mismatch anyway. Good thing about it, though, I'm not really losing much by staying.



On work-life balance, I don't agree that it has to exist as such an idealised construct. For me, basically there's just... life, how it should be. I'm fortunate that it looks like I've made solid decisions concerning work (significantly, where to work in relation to where to live), and not been caught up in the same mess that the local career landscapes have to offer. I have been bitching about idleness and all that, but on the bright side I've kept active in the band, started regularly exercising, gone dating, and have enough energy to sleep at dawn and get to work (mostly) on time. And while I don't love consulting work in a large company, well, the contentment is much more than many others have.

Time to butter up :D
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Subject:the Preservation Motive
Time:04:38 pm
I feel terrible.

What sucks about sickness is the extra sensitivity, the heightened senses. That the slightest bump on the road brings vertigo, a light tap on the head sends your mind swimming. Also, the whole having to get up from the chair to get more tissues from the restroom. Also, the falling asleep because even when I'm feeling alright, I just don't see the point.

What sucks is that I don't want to be a brat or anything and I've always sneered at those friends of mine who started complaining about their jobs not a month in, and now it seems that's exactly what I'm doing. But no, it isn't the same profound conclusion that they came to, the realization that this isn't what you want in life.

(The difference is that I know this is exactly what I signed up for and I was prepared for it to fail the "so-what" test. I've a meeting with my career manager in a bit, and I'm planning to be upfront about my intentions for the next 5 years. I'm hoping I can change my role here.)

What I'm complaining about is this fuckin room where I have been 10 days with the same 3 people and the goddamn absence of windows. I get out at 6pm and wonder where the day went. And although I pass UP on the way home, there are very few interesting people left who are worth bothering. I go home and enjoy a few precious moments of coffee before I realise how... boring this all is.

Although today I got off the jeep, my foot got caught in a hole and I fell down. With headache, runny nose and all. My palm is bleeding. Really bad day, and now I find out the meeting is gonna be delayed by an hour.


Next week I think I'll start up a simple fitness program. I'm also reading "Getting Things Done" which claims that it'll allow me to feel "confident that what you're doing - whatever it is - at the moment is exactly what you ought to."

But first I gotta get rid of this cold.
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[icon] chicken wings
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